Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice (South African Version)

Merchant of Venice(South African version, a shit story)

 

ACT I

SCENE I. Venice. A street.

Enter ANTONIO, SALARINO, and SALANIO

 

ANTONIO

Eish, I've been so down and out lately and ek weet nie why. We all sick to death of me being sad and I haven't the slightest idea of how i got like this. En if I don't know why then i don't understand myself at all.

 

SALARINO

Listen here my bru, you're thinking about your ships too much. They're fine and I know they are! They mos groot in the big blue! All the klein ships have to foetsak!

 

SOLANIO

Ya but its like this my man. I'd be so sad too if I had ships to worry about. All that moola out on the sea with the chances of it being sunken! Ne but that would make me worry too much!

 

SALARINO

Ya, I would also worry! I mean, all that geld on the water. It could all go in a second and then where would you be! I'd be bankrupt. That's why Antonio poes worried. I'd be poes worried too!

 

ANTONIO

Ne bra! That's not the reason! I'm poes rich and those ships aren't my only way of hitting the jackpot you know. That's not why I'm like this...

 

SOLANIO

Ah, Is it a Cherry?

 

ANTONIO

Don't start your shit, ok...

 

SOLANIO

So its not a bint either? Ag ya, lets just say you're just being a bitch because you're a bitch. You know, it would be easier for you just to be happy than sad. Ouens these days, they all have problems. Some laugh and some are always moody. Hulle ouens are all dooses.

 

BASSANIO, LORENZO, and GRATIANO enter.

 

Here comes your cousin Bassanio. Shit, and there's Gratiano and Lorenzo too! Come, lets go, these poeses are better than us.

 

SALARINO

 

I would stay but your 'tjomies' are here.

ANTONIO

You're both very precious to me, no homo. But its chilled. Go take care of your own work.

 

SALARINO

(to BASSANIO, LORENZO, and GRATIANO) Howsit you sick cunts!

BASSANIO

(to SALARINO and SOLANIO) Hey Boets, when we gonna chill again? We haven't gotten drunk in a lang time!

 

SALARINO

You must let us know and we'll make plans boet!

 

SALARINO and SOLANIO exit

 

LORENZO

Bassanio, we gonna go since you found this doos(Antonio) but we have dinner tonight hey! Don't be late you scrap

 

BASSANIO

Don' worri, Ill be there.

 

GRATIANO

What's your problem bra? You have to relax and enjoy life man. I'm telling you man! Look after yourself!

 

ANTONIO

This place, its all the same. Its like this Gratiano, we all have a part to play, I play the depressed fuck that no one likes...

 

GRATIANO

Then ill be the douche that no one likes... I'd prefer losing my liver over booze than not have fun and party. There's too many bitches in the world to ignore bru! I talk too much in the real play so I'm just gonna say, stop being a lil bitch and be happy! I already know enough bitches!  Lets go Lorenzo, ill fix you after dinner Antonio.

 

LORENZO

I must be a bitch too since he never lets me get a word in! (laugh) Check you at dinner bro.

 

GRATIANO

(laughs) You are a little bitch already Lorenzo!

 

ANTONIO

Schweet man, I'm not a bitch!

 

GRATIANO

Good! The only things that should be bitches are bitches and pussies!

 

GRATIANO and LORENZO exit

 

ANTONIO

Is he lekker?

 

BASSANIO

Gratiano talks more shit than a curry take-away... His lectures are of the same consistency...

 

ANTONIO

So now who's this bint? The one you planning on tapping? You said you would tell me boet?

 

BASSANIO

Antonio, you know I'm poes poor! Bitches, they cost more than you think...Thats why you're lucky you're gay. I owe you and many other people. I'm addicted to that pussy my man. But I've got a plan for both those problems.

 

ANTONIO

Bro, I'm not gay... Tell me this plan and maybe i'll give you my money.

 

BASSANIO

Oh fuck, I thought you were? Sorry bru, my bad. Anyway, theres this story about some arrow but its poes boring so ill just tell you straight, I don't know if our friendship is good enough but gee vir my some moola and ill take care of what I owe you. Plus, the bitches will be good!

 

ANTONIO

You being a doos now. A bigger doos than usual. We're tjomies, Ill give you what you need. Just tell me what its for you bliksem

 

BASSANIO

Ok, so this bint, Her name is Portia, like the car... Except the car rides better but she's still sexy and a good person. Like she's lekker. A lekker meisie! She's rich! Poes rich. I need money so that I can win her over because all the other doos men have money and they want her. She's like that Asian girl at teasers that everyone wants but only the rich businessmen get...

 

ANTONIO

Ahh my bru, all my money is with ships and shit so I can't give you the cash but like go get money using my credit. Ill do the same and I'm sure some poes owes me and will give me money so it will be schweet! Sound lekker??

 

They exit.

 

That's scene 1 guys. If you like it, I'll write the rest of it and maybe I'll do most of his famous plays.

Thank you!